I have an "interview" tomorrow with a local temp agency. I really hope it goes well, or at least doesn't suck. It would be great to know that i'm not completely unemployable... right?

i just need some good news for a change.

I am so glad I have today off from work :] Eventually I'll have to get up and do something with my time today, but for the moment, and for possibly the next few hours, I'm more than perfectly content upon just sitting here relaxing. I know i've got things to do later, but I always feel so rushed. I never feel like I have enough time to do anything. It's very frustrating. I think it has less to do with feeling hurried or stretched thin or something of that nature, and more to do with some sort of fear I've got of the future. I'm terrified of going back to school, and today I was going to go talk to the people at the school about my going back. I've been putting it off for months really... and I've really, really got to go today. It's just incredibly stressful. I wish I knew more about what sort of questions I should ask before I go in there blindly. But, I have no idea where to start. I'm not even completely sure of what I should major in. bleh. My mind is my own worst enemy in situations like this. If I just stopped listening to myself think so much, then I'd probably get much, much more accomplished.

new job

I worked my first shift as a hostess at my new job last night. It was a welcomed change from my old job, and I really, really hope the new job works out for me. I really need it to work out... Its still strange to me how I can work a 7 hour hosting shift and not feel as stress as when I work at my old, horrible restaurant job for 2 hours.
You have no idea how wonderful it was to come home after a long shift and not smell like death.
I don't know what it was about my old job in particular, but something was even wrong with the air. Everything always smelled. horrible. I felt as though I would never smell nice again whenever I was leaving after an eight hour shift day.
I really hope I won't have to deal with that place again.

I'm trying to make an effort to actually "blog" about my thoughts, feelings, etc. However, I'm completely exhausted. I didn't think I was this tired, but suddenly, my eyes are refusing to stay open for very long.
I think it's time for bed.

I love my days off. I'm aware that i generally accomplish nothing of value on my days off, but that doesn't make me love them any less. In the back of my mind, I've always aspired to be something greater. I've always wanted my life to mean more. But, what if this is all I am? What if i never amount to anything more than who I am right now? Would I be ok with that? Honestly, if my life also ended today, then yes, I would. But, if i had to continue living like this for the rest of forever, then obviously no. I do want to amount to something great... I just haven't got any idea what. or even where to begin. What the hell am i really good at anyway? What am I passionate about? I keep waiting to have this "crystallizing moment." One day I'll just wake up and know what I should do. But, more often it's become clear that nothing will ever make sense if I don't just move forward. with something. with ANYTHING. It's beyond frustrating to watch everyone else I know succeed at something. It's beyond depressing to be 23 years old and feel as though I've accomplished nothing worthwhile in my life so far. It's my own fault. I suppose I should have really spent some time figuring out what I wanted to study before I tried to go to school and wasted far too much money taking classes I didn't particularly like.

I used to be this incredibly creative person, but I feel like that part of me has been blocked somehow. Like there's something holding me back. Something is wrong. I can't move forward.

It's annoying that most of my inability to create is deterred by my lack of money...
and the fact that I have an incredibly stupid day job. I can't feel like myself with this job... and no one understands that.

I feel like I can't do anything until I move on and get a new job.
I can't be creative, I can't even write anything meaningful.

I hate this.

my job always seems to make the day last forever... but in such a way that i never actually accomplish anything worthwhile. How can I be so tired after doing something so meaningless? I'm tired of always thinking about how badly I need a new job. I don't particualrly want to be defined by the sort of job I've got. A job is just something to make money. [At least, that's what it's like at the moment.]

Music is my life, but I feel like I need so much more practice...
I hate being at work and thinking, "man, that's like 6 hours i could have spent playing guitar or piano or doing something worthwhile."

Seriously.

My job is a serious creativity SUCK. I'm so exhausted, and I smell so horrible [nasty food smells...] by the time i get home, that I don't want to do ANYTHING.

At this point, I don't care how much I get paid for work, I'd just like to have a job someplace that doesn't SMELL quite so horrible...
ick.

and i just finished watching the season finale of Glee... OH MY GOSH. amazing.

i hope mr. schu and emma get maaaried and have a million babies :]

i'll tie this scarf around my head
[and hope i disappear]
[beneath]

i like the quiet more than sounds.
[the earth is still beneath my feet]

i close my eyes, i'll shut you out.

i'm on my own today.

[it's nice in here, it's quiet too.]

don't ever want to leave.

i'm forgetful.

i started this blog over the summer and completely forgot about it.
i have this tendency to do that.
once the day is gone, the events that transpired sort of disappear.
i forget things so easily.
unless it was something super-traumatic or very important.
but, many of the smaller details, even helpful things... i forget.

i wonder if something is wrong with me.