my job always seems to make the day last forever... but in such a way that i never actually accomplish anything worthwhile. How can I be so tired after doing something so meaningless? I'm tired of always thinking about how badly I need a new job. I don't particualrly want to be defined by the sort of job I've got. A job is just something to make money. [At least, that's what it's like at the moment.]

Music is my life, but I feel like I need so much more practice...
I hate being at work and thinking, "man, that's like 6 hours i could have spent playing guitar or piano or doing something worthwhile."

Seriously.

My job is a serious creativity SUCK. I'm so exhausted, and I smell so horrible [nasty food smells...] by the time i get home, that I don't want to do ANYTHING.

At this point, I don't care how much I get paid for work, I'd just like to have a job someplace that doesn't SMELL quite so horrible...
ick.

and i just finished watching the season finale of Glee... OH MY GOSH. amazing.

i hope mr. schu and emma get maaaried and have a million babies :]

i'll tie this scarf around my head
[and hope i disappear]
[beneath]

i like the quiet more than sounds.
[the earth is still beneath my feet]

i close my eyes, i'll shut you out.

i'm on my own today.

[it's nice in here, it's quiet too.]

don't ever want to leave.

i'm forgetful.

i started this blog over the summer and completely forgot about it.
i have this tendency to do that.
once the day is gone, the events that transpired sort of disappear.
i forget things so easily.
unless it was something super-traumatic or very important.
but, many of the smaller details, even helpful things... i forget.

i wonder if something is wrong with me.

boots

sometimes, finding random solitary objects lying around in unexpected places makes me happy.
for instance, after sitting down at this computer, i glanced casually to the right for no particular reason. my dad left a pair of cowboy boots, upright and lonely, in the middle of the room.
its both odd and charming.
and made me smile.

having recently attended my first wedding [as a guest, obviously], i've started thinking about what my wedding would be like.

i've never really given this much thought before. however, in witnessing the extravagance of this particular wedding... i'm fairly certain that i would want mine to be anything but extravagant.

"simple, classy, elegant, and eclectic." <--- that would describe mine.

and i'd definitely have chosen a more colorful palate.
white and baby blue are pretty yeah, but its not my taste.

i shudder to think how much that wedding cost...

seriously. there was a sushi boat at the reception. among many other hors d'oeuvres.

and also. i think i would like to walk down the aisle to "hey jude." no lyrics.

i'm not great with change

i'm not entirely sure what to do.

i'm frustrated, but i don't know if i'm more angry with myself or at him. I suppose i've been to good a gf, and he's taken that to assume that i don't need to hear from him...
and i shouldn't "need" to hear from him when we can't be together for one night out of the week...
i suppose it's just my freaking out that something will happen and we won't see each other for the next few nights either... and then he'll realize that he doesn't miss me... or something equally delusional and depressing...

bleh. it probably has to do with my desire to have control over most aspects of my life.
because he didn't really tell me in advance that he wanted to hang out with some friends last night... i'd assumed he was going to hang out with me... and i didn't have anything planned to do, coupled with my not feeling very well...

i guess one phone call, or any significant text messages would have been nice.
something along the lines of "thank you for not being a psycho-bitch about this. i miss you and i love you."
but, no.

and we're "supposed" to get together some time early this afternoon to watch lost... but i'm not really sure i should call him.

i kind of want to wait to see if he remembers. or if he even gets up early enough to give us time to hang out before we both have to go to work.

or if he'll even remember that i've got to work too.
AND that i won't be home till nearly 11pm.
and that we probably won't be able to hang out this evening because i've got to work at 9am on saturday.

which we discussed. but, i didn't write down for him.
and i'm pretty sure he may forget.

i was going to go to the doctor today to have some blood drawn.
yeah. definitely not going.

not today anyway.

i don't want to have to do anything remotely productive when i'm 98% sure most of the people i care about don't give a fuck about anything i do or "forget" to do.

whatever. i need to learn how to deal with spontaneous decisions a little bit better.

livejournal is boring

so, i'll try this out for a bit.