i'm not great with change

i'm not entirely sure what to do.

i'm frustrated, but i don't know if i'm more angry with myself or at him. I suppose i've been to good a gf, and he's taken that to assume that i don't need to hear from him...
and i shouldn't "need" to hear from him when we can't be together for one night out of the week...
i suppose it's just my freaking out that something will happen and we won't see each other for the next few nights either... and then he'll realize that he doesn't miss me... or something equally delusional and depressing...

bleh. it probably has to do with my desire to have control over most aspects of my life.
because he didn't really tell me in advance that he wanted to hang out with some friends last night... i'd assumed he was going to hang out with me... and i didn't have anything planned to do, coupled with my not feeling very well...

i guess one phone call, or any significant text messages would have been nice.
something along the lines of "thank you for not being a psycho-bitch about this. i miss you and i love you."
but, no.

and we're "supposed" to get together some time early this afternoon to watch lost... but i'm not really sure i should call him.

i kind of want to wait to see if he remembers. or if he even gets up early enough to give us time to hang out before we both have to go to work.

or if he'll even remember that i've got to work too.
AND that i won't be home till nearly 11pm.
and that we probably won't be able to hang out this evening because i've got to work at 9am on saturday.

which we discussed. but, i didn't write down for him.
and i'm pretty sure he may forget.

i was going to go to the doctor today to have some blood drawn.
yeah. definitely not going.

not today anyway.

i don't want to have to do anything remotely productive when i'm 98% sure most of the people i care about don't give a fuck about anything i do or "forget" to do.

whatever. i need to learn how to deal with spontaneous decisions a little bit better.